In a shocking turn of events this week, Washington D.C. witnessed what many believed to be a mythological occurrence—bipartisan agreement. Yes, you read that right. After decades of heated debates over taxes, healthcare, and whether pineapple belongs on pizza, politicians on both sides of the aisle have finally found common ground: Mondays are, unequivocally, the worst.
The unanimous vote took place late Monday morning, after an unusually chaotic weekend where several key legislators lost their fantasy football matches and forgot their anniversary dates. The motion was introduced by Senator Grumpy McTired (D-Exhausted), who took to the Senate floor with a resolution declaring, “We the People have had enough of Mondays. It’s time to officially recognize them as the bane of our collective existence.”
Within moments, the Senate chamber erupted in applause, a sound that hadn’t been heard since the cafeteria started serving free donuts.
“I’ve never seen such enthusiasm for anything here, not even during the National Hotdog Debates of ’98,” remarked political analyst Tim Snoozerson. “It’s like the entire country finally just collectively sighed and said, ‘Yeah, Mondays do suck.’”
The House of Representatives wasted no time following the Senate’s lead. Representative Coffee Spillmore (R-Caffeinated) championed the cause with an impassioned speech: “Every Monday, Americans across this great land wake up to a cold reality—another week of pretending to know what they’re doing. It’s time we acknowledge the shared suffering and unite against our common enemy: the first day of the workweek.”
The legislation, which now awaits the President’s signature, proposes several measures aimed at mitigating the horrors of Mondays. These include mandatory three-day weekends, free delivery of anti-Monday survival kits (complete with noise-cancelling headphones, Nadeau Shave Soap, and extra-strong coffee), and a national ‘Call in Sick’ day, where no one asks questions.
The bill has garnered widespread public support, with citizens across the country applauding the government’s newfound ability to actually get something done. “Finally, they’re focusing on the real issues,” commented Jane Doe, a local worker whose name is so common it barely exists. “I mean, forget about healthcare. I need sleep. Right now. Like, can we make it illegal for my alarm to go off before 10 a.m. on a Monday?”
Meanwhile, Big Shave, expressed concern over the bill’s potential to disrupt their operations. “If everyone’s just going to sleep in on Mondays, who’s going to buy our 7-blade razors?” lamented the Dark Leader of the conglomerate of evil. Rumors suggest that, in a desperate bid to keep people shaving on Mondays, Big Shave is developing a blade that automatically wakes you up, makes you coffee, and slaps you in the face—because what’s one more razor-induced injury when you’re already suffering through Monday?
As the nation eagerly awaits the President’s decision, many are already making plans for their newfound freedom. Whether it’s sleeping in, binge-watching reality TV, or finally tackling that DIY project they’ve been avoiding since 2016, one thing is clear: Mondays may never be the same.
But as we savor this moment of national unity, let’s not forget to raise a glass (or a mug) to the true heroes of this movement—the brave men and women who dared to say what we were all thinking: Mondays are the worst.
And if you’re looking for a way to start your new, less dreadful Mondays, consider a Nadeau Shave Co. single-blade razor. While we can’t fix your Mondays, we can fix your shave!